Monday, 13 March 2017

All Bhai Everything - Salman Khan Branded Products

There are rumours that Bhai aka Salman Khan is going to launch his own smartphone. The good news here is that we can finally keep Bhai close to our hearts in the front pocket 24x7. The bad news is that the brand will be called 'BeingSmart' instead of 'BhaiPhone'.

My super secret sources tell me that it's not just a smartphone that will have the Bhai brand on it. Have a look at these confidential leaked images of more products that Bhai is planning on launching.

Salman Khan Bhaike shoes

Salman Khan hunting rifle Bhaifle

Salman Khan Cola BhaiCola

Bhai3000 smart paper shredder Salman Khan

Salman Khan robot driver Being Robot

Salman Khan Bhai Chemotherapy Kit

Sunday, 29 January 2017

Alien Diaries

pale blue dot earth
The Pale Blue Dot

# Crash landed on unknown planet. Surface is mostly liquid. Lifeforms are still in early stages of sentience. Most intelligent lifeform on this planet is a terrestrial biped mammal referred to as "human". It thinks it is the center of the multiverse. Hasn't even learned to properly utilize the power from its star. Relies on the decomposed remains of its ancestors and compressed rocks for power. Must find a way to escape this planet as soon as possible. 

# There are various types of gloriously evolved lifeforms on this planet. Each of them has unique abilities unlike anything seen on our own world, gradually developed over hundreds of billions of years. The human's first instinct upon coming in contact with new lifeforms is to destroy and consume them. Sometimes it makes hats using the feathers of flying creatures which it uses for rituals involving dancing.

# It is disappointing to note that the human lifeform is still highly unevolved. Each consciousness inhabits only one physical form and is incapable of transferring itself into a new form when the need occurs. Therefore, breeding is still a highly important function on this planet and drives most of its activity. How very primitive.

# As mentioned before, the biped creature needs to feed on other lifeforms to sustain itself. It has still not learnt to harness the relatively infinite energy of its star by way of photosynthesis. It is starting to seem that though they are on the bottom of the food chain, plants may be the most intelligent lifeforms on this planet.

# Plants are the most important part of the human food chain, but those humans who solely consume plants are often 'ridiculed' by the humans which prefer consuming the dead bodies of imprisoned animals.

# 'Ridicule' is a concept unique to this planet. It occurs when one being involuntarily emits a grunting "ha ha" sound from its mouth to mock the actions or appearance of another being which the first being observes as being different from its own.

# 'Mockery' is another unique concept among humans, in which words or actions are aimed at one human by another, to indicate that it's appearance or actions are unacceptable. Both of these are forms of social control which are somehow effective on these seemingly intelligent beings.

# 'Zoos' are a big attraction on this world. A 'zoo' is a glorified prison for wild animals. However, no research is performed on them. Instead, the biped creatures visit the zoo with their young and seem to derive amusement simply by watching the animals laze around in an artificial setting. Occasionally, they will throw food and cigarettes into the cages as an act of compassion.

# After capturing and dissecting male and female human specimens to study their physiological characteristics, I found the most interesting organ to be a pinkish-grayish soft muscle which controls all bodily functions, referred to as the 'brain' . The second most interesting organ is also a soft muscle which is used for breeding and releasing fluid byproducts, referred to by various names such as 'penis', 'dong', 'ding-dong', 'dick', 'cock', 'wang', 'third leg', 'anaconda', 'one eyed trouser snake', 'banana' and 'eggplant emoji' among others. The female counterpart of this organ, referred to as "vagina", also has an equal number of names. These three organs seem to form the crux of the human civilization, with the latter two holding more importance than the former.

# It is surprising how highly the bipeds regard their genitals. There are monuments which resemble their genitals. There are idols of deities which resemble genitals. There are works of art which prominently display genitals. Everyday conversation often mentions genitals more than any other organ. The creatures are socially conditioned to be ashamed of their genitals, yet it is all they can think of.

# The planet is a hostile place to live in, infested with various parasitic creatures such as 'ticks', 'leeches' and 'politicians'. The third is the most interesting, because it is a type of human entrusted with the welfare of its kind, but instead it uses the power to fatten itself literally and figuratively. As soon as one is removed, another one takes its place and the process continues.

# Despite all the hardships and primitive physiology, the human has managed to come up with some amazing inventions. The greatest human achievement is a type of food referred to as 'pizza'. It is possibly the single best invention in the universe.

# The second best human invention is something referred to as 'music'. It is simply sound, produced using specialized instruments in a specific arrangement. Though many of these frequencies are inaudible to non-humans, they can be soothing nonetheless. Beautiful.

# A lot of information is contained within things referred to as 'books'. Would have saved me the trouble of capturing and examining actual specimens had I found these earlier. There are a vast number of these covering every subject known to humans. Fortunately, the human language is so rudimentary that I was able to decipher their languages in no time. These books were of great use to me in learning about the humans' past, but apparently they are not of much use to humans themselves as they keep repeating history.

# Even though there are an almost infinite number of books, humans get their information mostly by speaking to each other. A lot misconceptions have have been born this way. Even though every bit of information can be researched and verified, humans still believe in things like supernatural powers, divine entities, territorial borders, capitalism, pyramid schemes and homeopathy.

# The most advanced vehicles on this planet are 'rockets', but sadly, even these can only travel as far as the closest planet. Humans do not possess the technology, resources or crafting skills required to build a spaceship that can get me home. Prospects of escaping this planet look bleak, but I must keep searching for a way.

Friday, 1 April 2016

The Iron Man (Short Story)

iron man flamethrower tiberium sun command and conquer

It looked like an army had destroyed the area.  A whole cluster of slums burned down, along with the people sleeping inside. Whatever it was, it struck in the dead of the night and swiftly turned homes and lives into ashes.

It was chaos. The fire was blindingly white; most people suffocated to death after their shelters collapsed on them. Those who were lucky enough to escape could only run a few steps into the open before their skin melted off the flesh and they collapsed in a heap.  Man or woman, child or adult, abled or disabled; not a single person survived and there were no witnesses. It was a massacre of the worst kind.

The municipal authorities declared that an electrical short circuit started the fire and closed the matter. The police cited a lack of witnesses as the reason that the case had hit a dead-end. Politicians couldn’t capitalize on it, as there was no one alive to ask for compensation. The incident dominated the local news for about a week, but the coverage fizzled out when a celebrity made a controversial statement about a political issue and ended up hogging all the media attention.

The horror was just beginning to fade in public consciousness when it happened again. Another slum pocket, this time a bigger one, turned to smoke and ash before anyone trapped in the hell could comprehend why their eyelids were melting over their eyes.  It was a repeat of the earlier incident with one little exception- there was a witness. A little boy who had woken up to relieve himself on the nearby railway tracks saw exactly what had happened.

He recounted the events of the night in gory detail to the cops. He talked in short phrases, telling a story of how his mother had accompanied him to the tracks, how they saw a large man in a metal suit carrying a gun that sprayed white fire, how his mother ran back to save his sister and never returned. He kept pausing in-between to ask if his mother is okay. The cops lied that she was recovering in a hospital, when in reality they had found the scorched remains of a woman tightly clutching a child.
Even the boy’s memory of what happened that night only painted an incomplete picture. How could a genocidal madman in a metal suit, whom the media had christened “Iron Man”, move around freely with only the darkness to cover him? The media blamed the cops of being uninterested in the protection of citizens. The cops blamed their lack of manpower, technology and firearms on politicians. The politicians blamed it on terrorists and the opposition. Amidst all the hoopla, there was no solution being formulated to prevent this from ever happening again. It was only the people who lived in nearby slums; those who were at risk of losing their lives and loved ones next, who took up arms and started keeping all-night vigils.

But the next victims weren’t powerless, helpless commonfolk. Now, it was the turn of the big dogs. The same fiery fate befell those at the highest ranks of power. Inspectors, commissioners, ministers and even the head of the state, were all turned into molten heaps of skin and flesh. Next were the big corporate honchos, burned to death, trapped in their ultra-luxury cars. It seemed that there was no one who could stop the Iron Man from destroying his targets.    

The entire city had collectively turned paranoid. No one had any clue about what this mysterious beast was or what it wanted. Some though it was a demon, sent to punish the sinners. Thousands of volunteers came together to conduct patrols throughout the day. Ragardless, the Iron Man struck again. Some slum-dwellers who had seen him coming from a small distance away raised a commotion, but it was practically of no use. Gathering in a mob only made it easier for them to be killed in one random spray of fire. Once again, there were no survivors.

Some volunteers and cops were on patrol rushed to the spot when they heard screams accompanied by rising smoke. They couldn’t believe their eyes when they saw the Iron Man slowly lumbering away from the inferno. They reached for their guns and opened fire. The killer’s suit was bulletproof but it’s bulk limited the wearer’s mobility. One of cops sprinted ahead and positioned himself in front of the metallic beast.  One perfectly-aimed shot at the helmet's weakest point- the eye guard- slayed the devil.  The cops quickly approached the body and took off the helmet. All they saw was an unremarkable-looking man with a bullethole in his right eye. Backup arrived and searched the area thoroughly for accomplices. They found a van which contained only 3 things- a spare flamethrower, few gallons of homemade fuel and a piece of paper containing a message. These were the contents of that note:

Dear World,
If you have found this note, it means I am dead. Who I am is not important. What matters is what I do and why I do it.

I was born a man, but now I am a force of nature.  I was given a form and put in this place for a purpose. I understood that purpose only recently.

This city has turned to shit and it’s my mission to save its people. I have a plan: start from the bottom and move upwards, slowly cleansing this city of the pests and parasites that are sucking the life out of it.

First, go for the lower classes. The sub-humans who drive down the value of human life with their huge numbers. Fools who have no option but to work till their body fails and then be replaced by their own children who have no education, no dignity and no hope of ever escaping the cycle of exploitation.  They are too stupid to see the pointlessness of their own existence, which is why I must wash them away with my cleansing fire. I act not out of hate, but out of respect for human life.

Once I wipe out the cockroaches, it’s time to slaughter the pigs. The businessmen who profit from the stupidity and misery of unsuspecting slaves. Greedy leeches who pay their workers just enough so that they don’t try to start a revolution. And the politicians who work with them to keep the people stupid and hungry. The oligarchs who took the reigns from previous oppressors and now want to pass it to their undeserving children. Corrupt wolves in sheep masks who will let no one except their own tribe rise. And yet they have the balls to ask for votes from those same people whose faces they press their boots on, with promises they never intend to fulfill. They all deserve to burn for their sins.

It’s now or never. If I don’t do it, no one will. 

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